brain baggage dump

These past few weeks have been filled with substantial amounts of thinking. I can honestly say that I don't know why. Maybe because I turned 26 and feel my walls of youth crashing down all around me? Could be.

I have been deeply reevaluating different aspects of my life as countless thoughts relentlessly bubble in my brain. I feel that I have reached a pivotal time in my human existence. My blog has been a part of that reevaluation process, as it truly has become a part of who I am. I began blogging to have a place to call my very own. A place where I could express myself, create a safe haven for self-discovery and personal growth, as well as share the things that I love with the world. A place where I could WRITE FREELY. My self musings would paint a portrait unique to my own person. These were my intentions. Motivation was the backbone of those intentions. Maybe I entered the world of blogging jaded and full of naivety. Perhaps my approach was completely incorrect, because in retrospect, I feel like I went about it all wrong.

Writing has always felt like home to me. I find beauty and mystery in all of its complexities and it has never failed to bring me joy. Even though I have not always been a friend to writing, it has always been a friend to me. It has been a constant companion, an avenue of safety and familiarity. When I write, I feel certain. 

I primarily started this blog so I could creatively express myself through the written word. Over the past few weeks I have been asking myself, why aren't you writing? Why are you holding back? Laziness? Maybe. Lack of ideas and interesting stories? Possibly. But it boiled down to one thing: fear. I am afraid... No, terrified of being judged and ridiculed; feeling insignificant and awkward. Sometimes I am so painfully awkward, and I fear that awkwardness will relentlessly spill onto the page. I have never been one of those people who seemingly come pre-wired with confidence and exuberance. In fact, my picture could very well be next to the word "introvert" in the dictionary. I envy those individuals, because for me, those things do not come easily. By putting myself out there, here, everywhere, I risk being subject to things that I fear most, and that's frightening.

I read an awe inspiring quote the other day; one that hit me at exactly the right moment in time:

To use fear as the friend it is, we must retrain and reprogram ourselves. We must persistently and convincingly tell ourselves that the fear is here -- with its gift of energy and heightened awareness -- so we can do our best and learn the most in a new situation. ~ Peter Williams

It's OK to be afraid, I realize that. What matters most is if we let it negatively affect us. Do we let it rule, reign, and cripple, or, do we use it as a "trampoline"; a means to lift ourselves higher and also overcome other fears? The answer is imperatively obvious, but not so easily applied.

These fears are not something that I will be able to conquer overnight; however, I feel that at least pinpointing my reasons for not doing something that I love{d} and publically writing about it is a good start. We shall see, my friends. We shall see.